New "Senate Stocks" IPO Could Solve Budget Deficit
by Drew YoungeDyke
Ann Arbor - Less than a week after the Senate voted to keep subsidies for oil companies, the Dept. of Treasury announced a bold new plan which could solve the budget deficit.
Last week, senators who'd received a combined $23.5 million in campaign contributions from oil companies voted to keep $24 billion in subsidies for oil companies, generating more than a 1000 to 1 return on investment for those companies. Seeking to capitalize on this information, the Department of Treasury issued a press release today announcing it would be issuing an IPO for "Senate Stocks," where individual investors can seek the same returns as Big Oil. Officials expect the cash influx could be big enough to cover the budget deficit.
"We're very excited about this program," announced Sen. James Inhofe (R - OK), who voted to keep the subsidies and has received over $1.3 million from oil companies in his political career. "This program will allow everyday investors to have the same influence that oil companies have."
"This is a free-market solution to a government problem, " said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R - KY), who has received over $1.1 million from oil companies and also voted to keep the subsidies. "For too long, free-riding voters have complained that we've ignored them. Now we can actually address their problems, as long as they pay for their fair shares, of course."
"We can't guarantee the same 1000 to 1 return that the oil companies received," said Sen. David Vitter (R - LA), who voted to keep the subsidies and has received just over $1 million from Big Oil. "But this should put the socialist fallacy to rest that citizens can get something for nothing just by voting and paying taxes."
Shares are expected to be offered after April Fools Day. The American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) is expected to draft legislation for states to implement similar programs, after it is approved by ExxonMobil.
Happy April Fools Day, everyone. The Senate Stocks program does not exist, and the quotes are entirely made up. The numbers cited are accurate, though, as are the votes on the Energy Tax Credits Modification Act, which would have eliminated $24 billion in government tax breaks and subsidies to oil companies. The 47 senators who voted against the bill have received a combined $23.5 million in campaign contributions from oil companies. Though the bill received 51 votes, it needed a filibuster-proof 60 votes to pass.